


Unlearn Every Step You Take

by geckoholic



Series: Dig Deep In The Hole Where You Buried Your Soul [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-29
Updated: 2012-01-29
Packaged: 2017-10-30 07:25:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/329262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geckoholic/pseuds/geckoholic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Whatever the reason, the fact is that wherever Sam goes, Dean follows.</em> - Season 4 AU, featuring a Dean who came back way more broken than in canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unlearn Every Step You Take

**Author's Note:**

> Direct sequel to Let Fate Devour All, and it won't make much sense if you haven't read that. 
> 
> Beta'd by the extraordinarily lovely redbells. ♥ All remaining mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Title is from "Shallow Water" by Demon Hunter.

Sam's not quite sure if Dean even grasps the concept of sleep anymore. Judging from the looks he shoots him every night when they go to bed, a mix of fear and accusation and something like tenacious defiance, Dean probably thinks that Sam sends him back to hell when the lights go out. 

And yet, he trusts Sam enough to follow him under the covers without a fight or any kind of resistance; either that or he's merely going through the motions and doesn't care for whatever happens to him anyway. Sam can't decide which is worse. 

At first, Sam tried to get Dean used to sleeping in a bed of his own, just like before. But after the first week of waking up in the middle of the night to his brother taking the interior of the motel room apart, screaming and yelling, Sam shifted gears. 

Now they sleep in the same bed. For a couple of nights, Sam had to hold Dean close to keep him from bolting, arms wrapped around his body and whispering soothing nonsense into his ear until exhaustion claimed them both, but by now Dean stays in bed of his own accord until Sam tells him to get up. He sleeps fitfully, waking up from bad dreams a few times each night and sometimes there's still screaming and yelling, but it's not nearly as bad as it was in the beginning. 

Almost like an instinctual reaction, Sam thinks sometimes; Dean's mind might not recognize him but his body remembers, classifies Sam's presences as safe and maybe even reassuring. Other times, Sam scolds himself for being such a sappy fool. 

Dean's body and soul do exist on instinct these days, that much is true - expecting him to remember anything from his life before isn't much more than a pipe dream. Everything that made Dean _Dean_ has left the building; his lizard brain is running the show now. The fact that he latched onto Sam as his person of reference is probably only because Sam was the first thing Dean saw when he reappeared topside, and like a newly hatched bird he accepted him as the pivotal element of his world.

Such a cruel perversion of how things used to be before hell, it makes Sam want to scream if he thinks about it too much. So he doesn't. 

Whatever the reason, the fact is that wherever Sam goes, Dean follows. And if Sam's out of sight for longer than a few minutes, Dean freaks out. The first days, he didn't even allow for that much, followed Sam around when he showered or took a leak. Whenever Sam tried to leave the room, Dean froze on the spot and started whimpering and whining low in his throat, right until Sam reappeared. Now Sam can at least do those basic things alone, but he still tries to stay within earshot, makes sure Dean can hear him and that he can talk him down if he starts to lose it for whatever reason. 

Needless to say, privacy isn't something Sam has much of anymore. 

Their daily routine is structured now, because Dean likes it if things are predictable and happen in the same order every day. Not every last detail, that would be impossible given their life on the road, but there are cornerstones that Sam doesn't change unless he absolutely has to. They get up and go to bed at certain times, have the same rituals for each. 

All in all, they deal. Mostly. But there's not a day that goes by when Sam doesn't ache for the way his life used to be, for the brother who raised him and used to always be there for him, solid as a rock and just as unbreakable.

He could really use his strength right about now. 

 

***

 

The first time Dean comes back to himself, he's sitting on their bed and sharpening his favorite hunting knife. As Sam emerges from the bathroom, Dean looks up and scowls at him, mumbles something along the lines of, "Would've expected you to take better care of my shit." Then he goes back to concentrating on his work, unperturbed. 

Sam's so perplexed that he grabs the bag of salt that's still lying next to the door and throws a handful at his brother. His minds leaps through possibilities, catches on possession as the most likely, but it appears like all of the sudden he's forgotten every exorcism he ever knew. 

"Smooth, Sammy," says Dean and chuckles. He digs a silver knife out of the duffle by his feet, cuts himself on his upper arm, holds it out for Sam to see. "Want me to take shot of holy water, too, while we're at it?" 

Having temporarily lost the ability to speak, Sam just nods, and Dean does as he said. There's no reaction to that, either. The part of Sam that's still rational and mistrusting tries to talk him into being suspicious, _big-name demons don't react to that, what if it's Lilith or... someone else of the same paygrade_ , but in his heart, he knows that's not true.

This is Dean, all of him. His obnoxious, infuriating, overprotective, larger-than-life older brother. 

"How?" is all Sam can say, a croaky little whisper that's barely audible. Dean raises his eyebrows, and Sam clears his throat. "I mean, downstairs. Do you remember? What happened? Where you've been?"

"Yeah, I do. I remember everything." Dean's voice is toneless, deliberately blank, as he says it. 

"And afterwards? Since you came back?"

Instead of answering Dean averts his eyes, stares at his hands still holding the knife he cut himself with, and it's enough. Sam understands. 

"Is it over? Are you... uh, are you _you_ again?"

Dean shrugs. "I dunno. I just... let's not overanalyze it? Please? All I wanna do is lean back with a cold one, watch some shitty old movie and, uh. Be here."

Overanalyzing is exactly what Sam feels like doing, to make sure Dean's not going to revert back to the state he was in just fifteen minutes ago, that Sam's really got him back, so he doesn't feel like he's wasting precious seconds every time he takes his eyes off Dean, but this isn't about what Sam wants. 

So they make themselves comfortable, find a channel that airs Die Hard, empty a few too many beers, and both fall asleep before the end credits roll. 

The next morning, Sam wakes up to Dean screaming, staring at him across the room with eyes that are as empty and vacant as they have been every other day since he returned from hell.


End file.
